Who am I

I have a hard time accepting who I am.  I played sports growing up, but I never really considered myself an athlete.  I got good grades in school yet wouldn’t say that I’m a genius.  I sang in the choir, and continue to do so in the shower today, yet I wasn’t ever going to be a pop or broadway star.  The truth is though I could, and still can, do all of those things well, they don’t form the core sense of self that I have been working towards identifying, developing, and strengthening the past few years.

Though I was generally pointed in the right direction, throughout most of high school and college I was very out of touch with who I was and what I wanted out of life.  In a junior year psych class, I lied on the Meyers Briggs personality test to get the personality I wanted.  In college I weighed 70lbs more than I do now, and mistakenly thought that, I’m just a big guy. For those of you who know me now, you know that’s not the case- I run marathons!  Though I had some direction growing up, I was for the most part, lost- lost in myself and lost in the world.  The world had become a scary place to live, people were mean and no one seemed to care much about who I was or what I could become.  I seemed to get more attention for what I was not doing and for how I was getting into trouble and lived an unsatisfied life.

My first step into personal growth work came through reading a John Eldridge book.  There was something about his excitement for life that touched me deeply and tapped into my deeper sense of longing and yearning for more.  I wanted all that he talked about and then some!  For the first time in my life, though momentary, I felt greedy in a good way!  I wanted a lot and knew that I wanted a lot for me.  Looking back it was the first time I began to get the sense, however fleeting, that I truly matter in this world, and that I have a lot to offer.

My journey since then has taken me to France, grad school, weekend retreats, counseling appointments, intimate conversations, and lastly closer to myself.  As I wake up more to my deeper yearnings and my emotions, I step closer to who God has created me to be.  I acknowledge his presence in my life and know that my successes and achievements are related to his grace and mercy much more so than my own will.

Looking back now I see this all as preparation for who I continue to become.  Though it seems confusing, the pain and confusion of my past have lead way to who I am now, where my interests lie, and how I am in the world.  I truly like who I am becoming and haven’t felt this way in a long time.